RUN TO JESUS TIME IS SHORT.

Clean Jokes

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"
The one who had done it admitted "I did."
Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.
"Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"
The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

Organizers of a national pro-life campaign that concluded this past weekend say "the abortion industry is starting to squirm."
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After 40 days of prayer outside abortion clinics throughout the country, 534 babies have so far been reportedly saved from abortion and eight employees have left the industry.
"Together we have witnessed God accomplishing amazing miracles through His faithful people, and I really believe that we are witnessing the beginning of the end of abortion in our land," said David Bereit, national director of the annual 40 Days for Life campaign.
This year, 40 Days for Life events were held in 212 cities across the states as well as in Canada and Denmark. Participants held peaceful prayer vigils and held signs reading "Pray to End Abortion" and "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. –God."
The campaign reached a milestone last week, saving a total of 2,000 babies as a result of efforts over the last five years.
Two thousand children would be enough to fill at least 80 classrooms and make up 180 teams of little soccer players, Bereit noted.
"And just as importantly, this could represent 180 teams of soccer moms – women who will enjoy watching their children run and jump and shout – blessing they would have never known if they had fallen for the lies that are so often disguised by the rhetoric of 'choice,'" he added.
In Toms River, N.J., one mother stopped in front of a 40 Days for Life prayer vigil and informed the volunteers that her pregnant 16-year-old daughter was impressed by the pro-lifers' efforts – including their standing in the rain and cold – and decided to keep her baby.
A prayer volunteer in Reno, Nev., noticed that business was down significantly at the abortion center participants have been praying at. For two years, the clinic was open five days a week. Now, the doors opens only three days a week and the abortion doctor work fewer hours, the volunteer reported.
A Planned Parenthood in Kalispell, Mont., where a prayer vigil was held last spring will close its doors permanently next month due to low patient numbers.
"Your efforts are working," Bereit told participants at the conclusion of the campaign as he encouraged them not to stop their efforts. "Day 40 is not the end. It’s only the beginning!"
The 40 Days for Life campaign is derived from biblical history, where 40 day periods led to transformed individuals, communities and the world. The first 40 Days for Life campaign was conducted in Bryan/College Station, Texas, in the fall of 2004. This year's fall campaign began on Sept. 23.

'I myself said, 'How gladly would I treat you like sons and give you a desirable land, the most beautiful inheritance of any nation.' I thought you would call me 'Father' and not turn away from following me. But like a woman unfaithful to her husband, so you have been unfaithful to me, O house of Israel,' declares the LORD. A cry is heard on the barren heights, the weeping and pleading of the people of Israel, because they have perverted their ways and have forgotten the LORD their God. 'Return, faithless people; I will cure you of backsliding.' Yes, we will come to you, for you are the LORD our God.' Jeremiah 3:19-22 NIV

Man of SorrowsNovember 2, 2009 "He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not." (Isaiah 53:3) The marvelous hymn of the last century "Hallelujah, What a Savior!" provides in pithy but powerful form an insight into the work of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, on the cross. For the next few days, let us use its familiar verses to "think on these things" (Philippians 4:8). "Man of Sorrows!" What a nameFor the Son of God, who cameRuined sinners to reclaim.Hallelujah, what a Savior! The creation should have brought great joy to the Creator, "for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created" (Revelation 4:11). But ever since the beginning, the "very good" creation has defied Him, bringing great grief. In the days of Noah, "it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart" (Genesis 6:6). But even in the face of such sinful defiance, the rejected Creator, the very Son of God, came to "deliver them who . . . were all their lifetime subject to bondage . . . to make reconciliation for the sins of the people" (Hebrews 2:15-17). Yet when He came, instead of receiving a liberator's welcome, He was again "despised and rejected," as in our text for today. He was ridiculed and slandered, hounded and hunted; His body was beaten and broken and hung on a cross. But through it all "he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows. . . was wounded for our transgressions, bruised for our iniquities . . . was oppressed, and he was afflicted" (vv. 4-7), reclaiming ruined sinners. Hallelujah, what a Savior! JDM Print this article More Days of Praise articles